It is with great joy that I write this letter. Not because I have anything useful to add but because of the content in which I send this. Good bye.
I had so much anticipation for your arrival. Its hard to believe that that is a full 366 days away but its true. I can’t remember how I ushered you in. Was it with glee and joyful abandon? Was it with naivety and hope and ignorance? Do you know? Did you even care?
But you came and made it your mission to continue the breaking your brother 2019 had started. Except, this time, it wasn’t just me. (I’m sure even the year before wasn’t just a meanie to me). You looped in the world and seemed to be a top contender for ‘worst year yet’, going strong to earn the title. Are you pleased with your ‘achievements’? Did it bring you great joy when everybody cursed you out loud, when they wished you away like a bad dream?
For all your badness, and it is a lot…truly a lot!you at least allowed me to slow down. Me and a few other people. I want to hate you so deeply for the losses and new dimensions of pain you’ve brought but I also look back and see that it wasn’t all bad. And it would be unfair to name you by your worst traits. Because I also have my own shortcomings and are grateful that the people who do, choose to celebrate my strengths rather than my weaknesses. As a sinner saved by grace, I know what it is like to have your faults overlooked/covered.
There was growth, small, intangible, neglible but growth I can see if I look hard enough. And I am. Because I have sought to draw meaning from the duration of your stay; when it seemed like I wasn’t moving forward and the time lost would never be recovered, when it felt like I was drowning in all the voices in my head.
I have read, not as much as I wanted, not as widely as I wanted but enough to keep the time. And it would be an injustice to not commend you for the writing year I’ve had. My best yet, even though there’s not much to show for it. I took the time to remember how fulfilling it can be to put my thoughts, wild and incoherent as they can be, down somewhere and then I seemed to see the opportunity everywhere. You put a bit of reality to the dream and I don’t think I’ll forget that. And I’m sure enough people will acknowledge how far they tapped into their creativity with you around.
Ther was a shift in my relationships, some good, some bad but I think with hindsight😉 I can say that I like how it has played out. Still pruning though. Still pruning!
For the things you didn’t destroy, you have laid a foundation I hope to build on. I have a vague idea, you stocked the fear of laying down my plans since you blazed through them. But I’m hopeful. Is it a damning thing, that hope? Because I don’t know what lies ahead. Didn’t know either when you knocked the door like your daughter is doing now. But I know who holds it and that gives me the confidence to know that I’ll be OK. (Have you listened to Switchfoot’s We’re Gonna be Alright off their Native Tongue Album or you were too busy causing chaos to spare a moment and enjoy good music?)
I’m glad for all the moments that shaped you. You were probably simply looking for recognition and I know that trap well. The good and the bad, it’s all done now, even if it looked like it couldn’t end in the moment.
There’s more to say. There always is! And if I poured out all the lessons and thoughts of 366 days, we’d need 366 days to get through it all. But one thing is sure, I’m only too happy to see you go. I’m forming a celebratory dance just for the fact.
We’ll never meet again. And that’s more than OK.
Only a day left to call it quits. And I’m a little proud that I’ve been able to have something up for 6 straight days. New record here.