A thousand flaming hot-coals heaped on your head, with your mouth gagged and your stomach twisting to a load of tiny little stabs. And absolutely no respite in sight.
Maybe it’s more like a glitch in your story. You think you are moving forward then once the glitching stops, you find you have barely moved. It feels like it sounds; a weight, a burden you can’t properly name or place. All you know is something weighs heavily on your mind or your heart and you would like to see a different outcome in that particular situation that you hasn’t yet come to be.
You have probably waited for something. Or are waiting for something; a phone-call, a text, a post from your favourite YouTuber or Blogger, a happier report or something more that is probably particular to just you. Something that keeps you awake at night or keeps you so guarded in community. So you know how uncomfortable it can be – trying to check in every now and then for updates or appearing aloof so that you don’t lose your sanity. You know how trying and mentally-taxing it can be especially when you seem to be doing the waiting alone. Wondering what you are doing wrong and everyone else got right. Did you miss your right drop-off? Asking that redundant question ‘Why me?’
Have you listened to ‘Wait on You’ by Elevation Worship and Maverick City when you think you can’t take it anymore and are going insane? I have personally had it on repeat in some moments.
It may not always feel like that though – an extreme internal war-zone – but it felt like the message around me all week. And I do mean all week. Conversations and music and different shows. Once you get the same message in repetition you take notice, right? Wait – waiting – waited (now you can trust I know my tenses).
But there are a number of subjects on the issue. How to wait well – which I don’t think I am excelling at. I am great at complaining and wishing away the moment. I’ve listened to some of these subjects on waiting and been blown away by the level of faith some of these people exhibit and I look at myself for reference and know I’m far from that. Waiting graciously, seeking to learn and redeem the time. To not have it wasted. Most of these are told in hindsight, around the idea of what they wish they knew in that season. Because it is hard to make sense of it all in the thick of it.
Conversations around Why you should wait most especially when it doesn’t seem like everyone else around you is. And if you are being honest, you are more qualified to receive than everyone else getting, right? In the spirit of honesty, whatever you are waiting on you should have received yesterday.
Because the wait is frustrating. Even for mundane things like a queue that won’t move, extremely slow internet, meeting up with someone. There is no limit to the things that test your patience. So you do wonder why it has to extend to something that means a lot to you. Like a job, a house, a spouse, a child. Those shouldn’t be areas where your emotions are toyed with.
So you develop an internal dislike for all those well-meaning phrases and stories. ‘Trust the process’, ‘You are doing better than you think’ – as though you don’t live with your everyday reality. You probably have heard of the one of the man in the restaurant who came in with a specific order and watched while everyone else got served. He called the waiter and was told his order was special, it would take time. Stories like that. That are meant to be encouraging but are really not. They annoy you to listen to and yet you must extend grace to whoever says those because you understand they may not know what to say exactly but feel the need to extend some comfort. Are you comforted by them? I would like to know in the comments.
Waiting always reminds us that there is only so little that is in our absolute control. And we may not always respond to that fact in a model manner (don’t ask me what that is, I don’t know it either). We claw and clamour our way into trying to understand what God’s timing is. At least I do. Spend enough time wrestling with yourself to rest in that. To trust that He is good and His plan for you is good.
This is not as uplifting as most of the things you’ll probably come across on the subject. Sorry. Feels like I just went all out to get a few things off my chest. But there I am, with the waiting.
I would like to know what the wait feels like to you. Past or present. If you don’t mind sharing, you could leave that in the comments.