I have no idea what your day to day looks like. Or more specifically what a day like today, where every space you glance at is awash with the reminder that you are not there yet.
But I applaud the strength –
with which you face it all.
Fielding unbelievably heartless questions year after year after, ‘Don’t you want children?’ ‘So, when will we see you with your own bundle of joy?’ ‘You know, life is so much fuller with children in it.’ Like you don’t know! Like you don’t run through the same questions every hour; or maybe more. When you are walking through the children’s aisle at the mall. When you see a nursing mother. When you hear children’s laughter.
That reality surrounds you every day.
And rather than burst out at all these people speaking so far out of turn about things they don’t know about, you field them carefully. You’ve learned to walk around these landmines. Where their curiosity turns into unhelpful suggestions. ‘Try this’, ‘try that’, ‘It worked for me.’ You have learned to extend grace. To look at them and see people who don’t know what they are saying. Or doing.
I admire the joy –
you have for your friends who have attained this special banner of ‘mother’.
Picking out the very best present for a baby shower even when you would rather not go, checking in with your pregnant friends and genuinely congratulating them when they tell you its positive. How well you step in to love all their children well. Yet the years pile up and that window to be a natural mother closes with every month that announces ‘not this time.’ It all seems so effortless for everyone else. And some of them go on to say ‘we weren’t even trying’. You are learning to steel your mind from dropping into that endless pit of ‘why me!’
Holding on to hope that you will see the other side of this and it will all be worth it.
There’s courage in that.
In doing everything in your strength to hear something new.
Shuffling diets and getting third to fourth opinions. Spending everything you can to get a child. And no one is really privy to the internal dilemma. The nights where you lay awake thinking of how you may need to adjust your life plans but you really don’t want to. You just want to be a mother. Trying to disassociate your heart from all the fantasies you had growing up – being the cool mom, the classy mom, the whatever-your-child-needs mom and not really succeeding. Because you want to be a mom. Facing the reality that when all is said and done, there is nothing more you would want than to have dirty diapers to complain about and get woken up in the middle of the night by cries that will soon turn to ‘mom’.
There was nothing in life that ever told you that that dream may be unattainable. No cause to ever think that that may be you. What were the chances? But here you are and you are walking through it.
And you are doing well! It may not look like but you are. Believe me, you are!
You have so much love to give already and any child will be lucky to be loved by you. You don’t walk through it for some girl out there to write about it – I know. It must feel like hell most of the time. It’s personal and there are probably no right words to offer lasting comfort. But I do hope that you get to hold your own child someday. However way you decide to be a mother.
Happy Mother’s Day!