These Scattered Thoughts.

MIDDLE NAME – INSECURE.

Hey there,

Not there…Here.

Nope, further down in the back.

Further…ffffuuurrttthher.

Yep, that’s me in the corner with my head bent in seeming concentration while my thoughts highlight every point where I’ve gone wrong in the past five minutes. I’m not vocal enough, I’m not funny enough, I’m not friendly enough, I’m not interesting enough. I’m just not enough and I can’t find a way to turn off the broken record playing in my mind.

Don’t look too closely though, I may start wondering about my appearance; are my facial features proportional to my face – there has always been something odd about my eyes, ears, chin, eyebrows…most of me? Did I walk out in the right outfit – I’ve always loved these jeans but maybe they are an eyesore to the public? Is my hair looking right even though I’ve slaved on it for hours – one more round of combing can’t hurt?

Be ready to sustain the conversation and deal with long bouts of silence. I promise you, it’s not you. It’s me. I keep swimming in the thought that I’m boring you even when I’m hanging on to every word you say and you seem to be interested in getting to know me. Why don’t you come with a conversation list to help me along? Frogs? Yeah, I can talk about frogs…they used to croak in my backyard when I was little.

Forgive the nervous laugh, I don’t really think am funny but I’ve read that laughter makes you appear warm and friendly. I am warm and friendly even though I don’t always appear that way.I’m going to think about this interaction long after. Did I say the right things? Did you misinterpret something? Did I really have to say that? Can I go back in time and do it all over…just better this time round? Where is the EDIT button in life? We could be best friends, me and said button. I find so many things in my life that need editting.

I’m glad I got your contact though, I always look forward to making new friends. When you get to know me, you might like me. I hope? Now why did I say that! Please ignore the messages that assault your phone. I am constantly in need of reassurance that I am not as forgettable as I believe I am and somehow run off everyone I know…Or do I? I know you are busy and good time is hard to come by for deep meaningful conversation. I thought we are now friends, though. To clarify, we are friends. Right? Why did you hang out with all those people in your picture without me? Don’t you like me anymore? I’m not clingy, I am truly not. I just need someone to teach me how to work the MUTE button in my head. There is just as much that I need to mute.

I’m sorry I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Pea Insecure Ches. And I swear I’m working hard at changing that.

The above post first appeared on The Prose. https://theprose.com/write?postId=360686. The prompt that inspired this writing was ‘Who are you, really?’ Seems like such a surface question but it took me long to come up with something that reflected who I was at that time…more than 14 months ago. I would like to say I am way past most of the emotions and thoughts expressed in that piece because we live and we learn, right?

I think it also acts as a good continuation to the thoughts first expressed in this post.

Let me know your thoughts on the piece and your own insecurities if you are comfortable enough to do so in the comment section. Otherwise, I hope we have a better week ahead, watching our thoughts and shouting out our strengths.